My Delusional Reality

READ THIS

This is the funniest shit EVER!  You must read this guy's post:

Tucker Tries Buttsex

I haven't laughed so hard in ages!

Alright

Guts and Balls

My boss just sent me this email:

The difference between GUTS and BALLS:

GUTS: arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met at the door by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS: coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

Lance and Our Love Child

I decided to "reply all" to the crazy email I received (see yesterday's post), I'll make sure to give you an update if I receive a reply....or child support.

My Dearest Lance,

I must say it was a nice suprise to hear from you
after so long.  I'm glad you are doing so well,
however, I am  a bit appalled that you would include
me in an email to your family.

What would they think if they knew the truth?  Have
you told them about me, better yet, do they know about
our love child?

Do they know about that drunken, drug-induced night in
the dorms when we professed our love for one another?

Are they aware that you impregnated me and promised to
steal the money for an abortion from your grandmother?
I seriously doubt they know you left me alone to deal
with our problem.

We risked it all that night, put everything on the
line and we have been punished for our sins.  Even
though it seems as though Cain and I are the only ones
suffering.

I was the one kicked out of school.  I'm the one left
penniless to raise our son.  Thankfully Cain looks
like me, you know, you could at least show a photo of
our son to his grandparents.

Our son would like to know his family, especially his
father.  I hope and pray this mission of yours will
give you the insight needed to finally admit your
mistakes and be the father our son deserves.

I need you and our child needs you.  You can rectify
this, I know you can; I believe in you.  I pray every
night that you might once again become the man that I
fell in love with.  Until then...

Much love from your family,
Jess and Cain

Our Beautiful Baby Boy

Where in the world is Elder?

Maybe you guys know who this is....I have no idea - apparently, he thinks he knows me.

Subject:  Fw: THIS IS FROM LANCE

Thought you'd enjoy this.

My Beloved Family!
Im officailly telling everyone right now, pleasewrite me at THIS address from now on. My Myldsmail adress only has a 5 mg. sized mail box and... after a YEAR of 4 to 5 letters a week well it gets a little full! And ive about hit the max... and its honestly a really bad service! So to let you all know please to THIS account from now on!
Well, things in the mission are INTERESTING! Starting off with the BIG news... well tommorrow are changes and for the FIRST time in my entire mission they arnt going to change me or my companion! BUT they are going to.... Call me as DISTRICT LEADER! Yah im pretty excited! My district is going to consist of 3 companionships. I am going to be the one who goes and does the Baptismal Interviews for the people who are getting baptised. I am going to have a PHONE! FINALY! making all your calls from pay phone is really Lame!
And i have to give what are called Capacitations, they are little little lessons every week to my district in our Zone meetings. So yah, its pretty exiciting! Other news... in exactly 10 days i complete a YEAR in the mission! Its CRAZY to think that a year ago i left home and even crazier to think about HOW fast it has gone by and then to think that just that fast im going to be HOME! Its intersting to think all your life... when im 19 im going on a mission and thats kind of...
your limit, you kind ofmake all your plans knowing that your going on a mission, that your goingt o have a 2 year Hole in your life at home... but NOW, when i think about normal life... i dont have ANY limits...there are no more HOLES! Its just... exicitng and kind of nerve racking... good thing ive still got a YEAR to go which is PLENTY of time to get more owrk done!
Which i will DO! Our AREA! Well as you know last week we had 5 baptisms! Which was very exciting! One of the families that got baptised had a brother that didnt get
baptised with them. But he NOW is all intersted and LOVES going to church and we talked to him and taught him and so now he has the Baptismal Date of the 11th... which just happens to be THIS saterday! Its really exicitng because this family has a daughter that is 18 who is just a punk kid, she hates us is always off with her friends drinking and just... not too good of a girl. So now EVERYONE in her family except for her is goingto chruch and stuff. and THAT is when people start to have desires... seeing the progress of everyone else... I really hope we can reach her soon because she needs alot of help!
My companion and i are getting along well, i am kind of... worried because this is the first time ive had to be with a companion for 2 changes, and ussually after one im about ready for a change. The good thing is that i dont feel that way with him yet. So i think things are going to be good. Umm, other news... there really isnt much. Other than... im forgetting english, i seriously am going to have the HARDEST time talking when i get back! I bet the whole world is going to make so much fun of me! But oh well, the cool thing is that i can speak Spanish and YOU ALL CANT! Its really going to be great being able to speak spanish at home, especailly being in Architecture, because ill be able to work well with the construction workers because half of them are mexicans. So ill have plenty of oppertunies to practice. Well thats mostly the big stuff i hope you all know that i love you, that i miss you all and that im
really doing good! I hope everyone is well, i hope everything is under control, i love you all have a great week and ill be abck in the next! I love You All

Your Son, Brother, Grandson
Elder Higgins

He ain't my son, brother or grandson - I know that much!

Ashlee Simpson

This shit cracks me up.

"Upon the report's release, many parent groups spoke out to condemn Simpson's music. Parents United against Suicidal and Sociopath Youth is one such group that has long been protesting Simpson's lyrics. Pat Jones, president of PUSSY wrote on the website "...[Ashlee Simpson's] music incites listeners into violence. In 'Pieces of Me' Simpson commands listeners to use explosives to kill others."

We All Need Friends

   

Found?

I took this picture at the park last year while on vacation in Canada. It reads:

"Lost, Columbia Velcro Sandals, Blue and Grey, Practically New, Left Behind, June 18th, in the parking lot, 4 stalls from the gate. Thank you to the honest person who picked them up, please contact me?"

When No Really Means Yes

 

Waterin' Hole

 

Alright, I'm a small town girl and all, so maybe you big city people aren't all that mesmerized by this. I'm driving along a road I'm always on at lunch and for the first time see this big blue structure. I think I'm seeing a mirage..... and I was so tempted to take a picture that I had to turn around and stop the car (women drivers have a bad enough rep as it is). Now, this waterin' hole ain't in the greatest of neighborhoods, as evidenced by the taco truck and also by said waterin' hole's meager existence. (Note: Locked Door)  Nevertheless, I felt it was my duty to share it with all of you.