My Delusional Reality

Doctor, Doctor

Can't You See I'm Burning, Burning?

I went to work after dropping acid this morning.  Yup, that's right acid.  I'm sure some of you have done that before but I doubt that any of you have dropped battery acid.  Stick with me, I'll explain.

The battery in Jared's truck died last night so he asked me to give him a jump before I left for work this morning.  I'm not a stupid girl, I fastened the jumper cables to their respective places and turned on my ignition.  Then Jared turned over his ignition that's when we noticed smoke and lots of it.  We walk to the front of the vehicles only to be met with a huge cloud of thick, black, toxic smoke and a nice size fire between both of our batteries.  The cables had burst into flames.  We stood there dumbfounded for a second or two.  We're out in the parking lot with no fire extinguisher and no water hose in sight watching a fire burn between our two cars.  I take off the jacket to my suit and offer it to Jared.  (he's the man, he needs to put out the fire)  In the same demeanor that Jared always has he flatly said, "No".  In fact, he looked at me like I was a dumb ass because I offered my nice pretty jacket.  I was almost in a panic and didn't want my new car to explode.   

Jared amazes me, he's never easily excited and this morning was no exception.  He began to slowly unbutton his nice shirt, whereas I would have ripped it open stripper style, to get to the undershirt that would later smother our fire.  While he was taking his sweet time, I remembered that I had a towel in the back of my car.  We met back up and tag-teamed that fire.  Undershirt Boy and Towel Girl to the rescue.  Unfortunately, at this point the fire had burned through the cables and the remnants melted and scorched my grill and bumper. 

So, keeping with the trend that I began the other day, I'll leave you this:

Jumper Cables.................$20
Undershirt and towel..........$10
Learning the hard way to never use cheap
jumper cables on MY car........Priceless

Coming Out of the Closet

Yes, that's right.  I'm coming out of the closet. 

Mainly because that's where I fell asleep last night, in the storage closet on my balcony.

I Am

Feeling very vulnerable.
Scared, in a good way.
Anxious.
Enjoying the ride.
Afraid it will end.
Just happy to be here.

Happy F - ing Halloween

Shit.  I had almost finished my post when I did something and lost everything.  Just my luck.  Fits right along with my weekend.

I did get to see Christina.  We had a Birthday/Halloween party for her Dad.  Christina and I had the same costumes.

We are not Powerpuff Girls, we are martinis.  I prefer cocktails, surprised?  I didn't think so.  As the night progressed, Christina became the Masked Martini and I became injured.  You'd think after all the years I've had to practice walking that I'd be able to master walking down steps.  But no, not me.  No luck.  I could hardly walk and couldn't stand long enough to sing karaoke with Christina, so I called it a night.
 

But wait, I'm still not done.

Topless Blogging

So yeah, I'm sitting here, topless and drunk and I'm blogging.   Does it get any better?  I think not.  Well....maybe if I posted a picture but I can't find my stupid square USB cable so I can't upload photos since my laptop is still broken.  Which reminds me...I read about a new feature that typepad has called the tipjar.  I'm sure most of my 4 readers remember my infamous drunken laptop destruction night....well...I still haven't gotten it fixed.  ;o)

  And I'm too drunk to finish this post tonight.  But you know what, I just found out that I might be going to the WORLD SERIES.  Oh yes, I fucking roll that way!

Moving Really Sucks

I finished moving today.  I think Ive moved everything out of the house and over to the apartment.  I moved it all, with some much appreciated help, and made a nice dent in the unpacking. 

Three flights of stairs made me realize just how materialistic I am.  "The things you own end up owning you." (Fight Club) That's for damn sure.  It's time for me to simplify.

I did have a nice weekend though.  Chuck and Robert helped me move and after we watched the game at Einstein's with Frank and Lizzie and my new AWESOME friend Lauren. 

My whole body hurts; I am exhausted; the Astros lost again and I need a massage very, very badly.

And with all the clothes I have, I don't understand why I can never find anything to wear.

Order of Brilliant Bloggers

I'm feeling quite flattered this morning.  I was nominated by The Order of Brilliant Bloggers for Best Comedic Post.  That's right folks, I could be an award winning blogger.  Aren't you glad you know me while I'm still grounded and the fame and notoriety hasn't gone to my head?  Well....not that much at least........ 

I was nominated for my Hurricane Rita Hits Houston post but I cheated, I'm not that funny.  I've got the standard issue funny bone alright, but all I did was repost the pic from an email I received.  There...my secret is out.

Rita Refugee

I am now an official refugee.  Damn that bitch Rita.  It's been a very long night.  I left Houston last night at 10:30 I just now made it to my uncle's house just north of Dallas.  A trip that I can make in less than 4 hours took over 14 hours. 

Fourteen fucking hours that I spent on the road with my mother, my grandpa and his 2 dogs.  Talk about a long night.  I think I ran out of xanex somewhere around Huntsville.  And that bitch at Denny's wouldn't serve me beer....the nerve of some people!

I talked to a gal that I work with this morning, she left Houston 30 minutes after I did and by 10:30 this morning she had only made it to the outskirts of Houston.  I can be a map reading fool when I have to be....my expertly planned route saved a great amount of time.

I'm exhausted and can't think of anything funny to say.  But I'll leave you with this photo.  Jared, my roommate, went shopping for hurricane supplies.  This is what he bought:

Two cases of water and ONE can of soup.  Sure, it IS Chunky Chicken Noodle, but damn that sure as hell ain't enough for me....I wonder what he's gonna eat.

Be safe everybody...it could get really nasty out there!

Go Ahead, Make My Day

I just got pulled over, I was three houses away reaching for the garage door opener when he flashed his blue lights at me.

What the fuck?  I knew he was behind me and I certainly wasn't speeding, why am I being pulled over?  I did have a few beers in me but not nearly enough to impair my driving.  I maneuver through the cars lined up alongside the curb (damn you corner house and all your tow trucks) and pull over. 

But the cop pulls up beside me.  My window was already open and he asked me, "What do I have to do to get you to wear your seat belt?"  "Excuse me?"  He repeated himself.  Ok, fine.  I leaned forward, kept my hands where he could see them and turned on the interior light.  It then became clear to him that I was, in fact, wearing my seat belt.

He asked me if he scared me.  My reply, "No, but I would like to know why you pulled me over when there are tons of people flying up and down this street and nothing is ever done about it."  He blamed it on another deputy and then started hitting on me.  He even admitted that he was bored and saw "a pretty girl without her seat belt on."

He gave me his card and asked me out to dinner.  Talk about unprofessional.  Oh well, maybe he can give the hook-up on some good drugs.

Nah....I haven't dated a cop since I was in high school.

As My Brother Says

OUR world doesn't just turn, it crumbles, shatters into a million pieces and burns.  I think he's right, at least when it comes to my family.

I talked to my mom yesterday, she asked me if she could move in with me.  Her and my elderly grandpa.  Talk about role reversal....oh well, nothing I'm not used to.

Mom's often the one calling ME for advice, I just wish she would listen to me for once.